Holy crap has it been a long time since I posted here! I've been writing more on myspace, so come see me over there.
A lot has happened since the beginning of the year. I bought a horse back in June, got a new cat about 2 months ago, and bought a new car last week. The horse is doing awesome, the cat is currently sleeping on my legs, and I love my car.
"A Civil Servant's Wish"
I wish you could comprehend a wife's horror at 6 in the morning as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late. But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try and save his life.
I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear, the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing in dense smoke-sensations that I've become too familiar with.
I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a call, Is a this false alarm or a working fire? How is the building constructed? What Hazards await me? Is anyone trapped?" Or to call and ask what is wrong with the patient? Is it minor or life threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?
I wish you could be in the emergency room, as a doctor pronounces dead, the beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes, knowing she will never go on her first date or say the words, "I love you Mommy", ever again.
I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the ambulance or engine or cruiser, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, "It took you forever to get here!"
I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile. What if this was my daughter, sister, my girlfriend or a friend? What were her parent's reaction going to be when they opened the door to find a
police officer with hat in hand?
I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call.
I wish you could know how it feels dispatching officers, firefighters and Paramedics out and when we call for them and our heart drops because no one answers back or to here a bone chilling 911 call of a child or wife needing assistance.
I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally and sometimes physically abuse us or belittle what I do, or as they express their attitudes of "It will never happen to me". I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain of missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.
I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save a life or preserving someone's property, or being able to be there in time of crisis, or creating order from total chaos.
I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, "Is my Mommy okay?" not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say. Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having CPR done on him as they take him away in the Medic Unit. You know all along he did not have his seat belt on. A sensation that I have become too familiar with.
Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am, we are, or what our job really means to us...I wish you could though.
PS. The brace is history and I've been back in the station for 3 months now. Run a few hot calls lately....No promises but I'll try to post about them later.
Well, things have gotten both better and worse in the last week. I'm weaning off the brace, so I only have to wear it at night or if I'm hurting. I've been trying to stay out of it as much as possible. I'll go back to the ortho right after Christmas and he wants to release me then.
As for work, I'm still on light duty and still hating every minute of it. I miss being on 24's, and getting up early every day really sucks.
Monday, I'll be going to a funeral for a fallen firefighter. He worked for Atlanta for merely 4 months and his family was in the process of moving up here. He served 6 years as a firefighter in Macon and his funeral services will be held there. He passed away after a few days in ICU, he became disoriented in a fire last week and died from his injuries.
OK, I make it a point to NOT venture out of the house on black Friday. People are nuts, traffic is horrible, accidents everywhere, it's just too dangerous. I only ventured far enough out of my house to get the mail this afternoon.
I don't DO shopping very well, never have. I hate trying to figure out what family members I see 2 or 3 times each year want. Not to mention the absurd gifts they come up with for me. Perfect example, I'm not a girly girl, never have been. I live in tshirts and blue jeans, add a sweatshirt or just a thick coat in the winter. Umm, guess I should throw in that most of my wardrobe came from wally world since I'm painting such a picture for ya. OK, back on track...Last Christmas, my aunt/uncle gave me a giftcard to LL Bean (which I gave to my dad because he could use it), year before it was a knit sweater.
Now don't get me wrong, I can smile 'n nod when I get a horrible gift. I'd just sometimes rather forget the whole thing, it's such a hassle and a huge headache.
In other news, my arm is finally healing. I go to the Dr. next week and the PT folks are hoping he'll say I can start weaning off the brace.
OK, so, I was originally looking for a cartoon of a monkey fukkin a football...That's what I found and I like it better anyway. More original I guess.
So, today was my first day of physical therapy, finally. Same crap I expected when I got there, hurry up and wait. I filled out the 573 pages of info they always want (which isn't easy when you don't have an opposible thumb), and sat there, waiting my turn. Once the Dr. rescued me from the waiting room, I had to sit in a chair and wait for the 3 other guys to leave (only 2 Dr.'s....go figure). They put a nice warm pack around my wrist to "relax the muscles." I'm not sure how much that helped, but my hands were cold so it felt good.
(insert sarcasm here--> ) Yippie, my turn.
They started off by moving my hand and thumb a million different directions to see which ways made it hurt. Unfortunately, it was quite a few. They also had me close my eyes and point to where they'd just touched my arm and hand with some special tool
Next was an ultrasound for 5 minutes, it's supposed to help with circulation. As promised, I didn't feel a thing...other than the ice-cold gel and pressure of the ultrasound probe.
I was half-heartedly cleaned up and then my arm was massaged. All I could think was that it hurt so good. I think she was buttering me up, because after the massage I had to go through all of the home-therapy movements. Which HURT!!!
The last step of the day was what I've been calling electro-shock therapy. The first electrode was soaked with some pain-relieving liquid then placed from my wrist across the bottom knuckle of my thumb. The other electrode went on my forearm and they turned on the juice. It felt like pins and needles stabbing me, and itched like mad! Those 15 minutes took forever.
I was finally allowed to escape after setting up my next 4 appointments and promising not to remove the medicated electrode for 2-3 hours.
They said the PT lady that is a hand specialist will be there tomorrow, can't you feel my excitement?
The Halloween season is FINALLY over!!!
My arm is the same, if not worse. I'm still in the process of getting approved for OJI status (worker's comp... can kiss my arse!). Because of this, I haven't even gotten anywhere close to being approved for my physical therapy, even though I've had this stupid brace on for nearly 3 weeks now. My wrist is increasingly stiff and now hurts as much without the brace as it does with it.
I've basically lost my faith in what some call "brotherhood." If this "brotherhood" actually existed, at least 1 of my "brothers" from work would have called me to see how I'm doing. My phone has remained silent, for 17 days now. I'm not counting everyone in that statement, I've had a couple friends on yahoo that occasionally ask how I'm healing.
Thanks again to my arm, I haven't been able to ride my motorcycle any. I have just enough grip (and, thankfully, a built-in flat part on the throttle) so I can slightly twist the throttle...just enough to be able to easily roll the bike back into the garage after pulling it out to run it each week.
My car is back in the shop, for the 4th time in as many months. It's been the same problem every time, P0400-EGR flow problem. This time, I contacted the service manager at the dealership directly and basically lit a fire under his arse. He seems prepared to "get to the bottom of this," but is he ready to deal with me??? The first time, they cleaned the EGR ports. 2nd, they replaced the vacuum hose (thinking they accidently skewered it the first time). 3rd, they say it's the exhaust manifold (I went to my regular shop due to prices....they didn't address the fact that the original code was thrown too). Now, the light came on again and I first took my car to my shop to see if it was the same code. After pulling the code, they cleared it so the check engine light went off. I shifted my car to the dealership and they don't seem to believe the p0400 code was thrown since it isn't in the memory anymore. Instead, they said that when they hooked it up to pull any codes, it had a p1000 code...something to do with the emissions. Umm...HELLO?!? My car just passed emissions with flying colors 3 months ago!!! Not to mention that if the light was off...there wouldn't be any codes to pull!
On the lighter side, I got the notion stuck in my head a few days ago...I couldn't resist myself ....Must....Beat.....a.....claw-machine!!!!!! So, off to Dave 'n Buster's we went. I ended up with 2 bracelets, 1 bling-bling necklace, 2 doberman puppies, 1 green frog, 1 my little pony, 1 grey/white cat, and about 800 tickets. I already had a bunch of tickets saved, so we got a t-shirt and 2 different types of thermal mugs.
Time to go hang out with my boyfriend's parents, they're up here for a HAM radio fest.
Be safe out there.
After 9 days of pain and numbness, I finally went to the Dr. yesterday. As it turns out, I have tendonitis.
Before you start to fuss at me, let me first say that I am an EMT, and therefore, I make a horrible patient. Everyone in the medical field will agree with that.
I was going to simply get a Dr. to look at me the next time I dropped off a patient at the ER, but luck kept me on either an engine or my kelly-day and I never made it to the ER. I finally decided my arm wasn't healing and that it was time to do something.
The orthopedics place I found is great, they were busy, but I was in and out in 2 hours. The Dr. is nice, and deals with quite a few firefighters...So he understood my work predicament.
So here I sit, my right arm (I'm right-handed...so this sucks) is in a brace that immobilizes my thumb, I have a prescription for pain pills (that carry side effects of dizziness and drowziness), and I have to do physical therapy anywhere from 3-9 weeks. The brace is my main problem, there's no way that I'll be able to get medical or fire gloves over it, and I'm not supposed to take it off. Tomorrow will be my "D-day," where will they put me? What can/ can't I do? What will Chief say? Will I just be put on the squad as usual or will I be put on light duty and sent to the academy?
Too many questions and too much uncertainty...
Take care
